Ricockulous Slang

Having recently heard, and not understood the phrase 'gaming out', I decided to do some research on slang words, and to choose some of the funnier, more random ones.

And so the list goes......

Batman nd Robin (adjective) = inseparable



bungalow (noun) = stupid person. not much upstairs

booty-cheddar (noun) = bullshit

on the fritz (adjective) = not working properly; broken

hodger (noun) = guest who eats all of the host's food and drinks all of the host's drinks.

gravy noodles (adjective) = very cool
ex: The gig was gravy noodles



mondo bizarro (adjective) = extremely weird

alcamahol (noun) = alcohol

marinate (verb) = to sit around waiting

badonkadonk (adjective) = used to described buttocks of exceptional quality and bounce.
ex: That girl has a serious badonkadonk butt.

hose beast (noun) = an undesirable female, either by looks or personality



whiz-bang (adjective) = impressive, flashy or super cool
ex:

hungarian (adjective) = hungry
ex: I am so hungarian

ricockulous (adjectove) = ridiculous

antwacky (adjective) = old-fashioned; unstylish

shnockered (adjective) = totally drunk



giggle water (noun) = alcohol

butt toast (adjective) = totally wasted
ex: You were butt toast last night

go postal (verb) = to go crazy

foxtrot oscar (verb) = euphemisnm for 'Fuck Off'

ride the beef (adjective) = suffer the consequences for a wrongdoing

snarf (verb) = to eat voraciously.


Claire Rayners / Gloria Gaynors (noun) = cockney rhyme for trainers

barmcake (noun) = an idiot

kinderkid (noun) = someone who pretends to be something they're not; a try-hard

abso-fucking-lutely (adverb) = absolutely

chicken head (noun) = a woman who repeatedly gives fellatio



cut the cheese (verb) = to fart
ex: Dude, did you cut the cheese again?

patootie (noun) = buttocks (again!)
ex: nice patootie!

ate up with the dumb ass (adjective) = strange, stupid; WEIRD

ain't no thing but a chicken wing (verb) = to be okay; not a big concern

banana hammock (noun) = tight-fitting male swimwear or bikini underwear.
ex: He likes to cavort around the beach in his banana hammock.



badussy (noun) = something that smells very bad
ex: Take a wash, you smell like badussy!

wanksta (oun) = someone who pretends to be a gangsta

do one's fruit (verb)= to get very angry

Trunky Monkey (noun) = person who must travel in the trunk of a car because there are no seats left.

Doesn't look as though this cheeky chimp is going in the boot anytime soon...


big whoop (interjection) = big deal.

confuckulated (adjective) = screwed up

finer than frog hair (adjective) = extremely attractive

get a five finger discount ( verb) = to steal

green apple nasties (noun) diarrhea

boobicles (noun)= a woman's breasts.often implying small breasts(...or not.see below)


juju (noun) - medicine

nastafied (adjective) = gross

road dawg (noun) = travel companion or best friend

snafu (adjective) = messed up as usual
ex: they argued about the last crumpet. they're just snafu!

wazzock (noun) = an idiot

Some more interesting facts....

• Kangaroos cannot walk backwards.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple
• Most dreams last only 5 to 20 minutes.
• Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
• Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
• The creator of the NIKE Swoosh symbol was paid only $35 for the design
• How does a shark find fish? It can hear their hearts beating.
• Penguins can convert salt water into fresh water.
• Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
• In India, people are legally allowed to marry a dog!
• A shrimp's heart is in its head.
• The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
• Horses can't vomit.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
• Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots
• A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Ridiculous Crimes and other random stories....

Yawning Hippo eats Dwarf Bouncer

Teenager hires undercover officer to kill mother
A 17-year-old boy was arrested while trying to hire an undercover police officer to kill his mother. He instructed the "hitman" not to damage the television during the attack.

Hungry burglar fries fish during burglary
A hungry Dutch burglar was caught frying a fish in a house he was burglaring. The householder woke up when she smelled the cooking in the kitchen.
The 45-year-old burglar told police he had a penchant for fish and that he had taken a cold beer from the fridge to compliment his meal.



Man arranges shooting to get sympathy from ex-girlfriend
A man in Sicily asked a friend to shoot him in the groin in the hope of making his ex-girlfriend feel sorry for him. She later said that she never wanted to see him again.

Tramp drops pants in Court
A psychiatric assessment has been ordered for a homeless man who dropped his pants in a Halifax courtroom Friday and invited the judge to perform oral sex on him.



Cat People
When police went to Michael Vondueren's house to check on his elderly mother, they found over 300 frozen cats in three freezers at the residence. eeeeew!


Blind car thief crashes stolen car

The 24 year old Romanian man decided to steal a car after he had a row with friends about his inablility to do anything. His friends told him he was useless.
He actually managed to break into a parked car and start it with a screwdriver. He even succeeded in driving the car over a busy road for half a mile.
But after that the fun was over.
Alin lost the little control he had over the car and smashed into a tree. Knocked out by the crash, he was later arrested by the police.
THe man told Police: "I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do anything I wanted -despite my handicap. I only crashed because I was not sure of the way home."



Dog Saves Abandoned Baby
The dog was looking for food for her newborn puppies when she reportedly saved a 2-week-old baby girl from a forest in Kenya.
The dog found the baby in a forest south of the capital Nairobi. She then took the infant, wrapped in a dirty, black cloth, then carried it across a busy road and through a barbed-wire fence before placing it close to her own puppies.
The baby was later found by the dog's owner and taken to hospital.

Man in Nepal marries dog for luck and dies
An elderly man from Nepal, 75 years of age, married a dog in a local custom to ensure good luck only to die three days later.
The man was following a custom of his Tharu community. The custom holds that an old man who regrows teeth must take a dog to be his 'lawfully wedded wife'. Odd.

Ham, the first Astro Chimp in Outer Space

I love Monkeys.Monkeys are amazing,super intelligent creatures, but also thoughtful, caring and mischievious.....

Even more amazing are ASTRO CHIMPS...............

Back in 1949, Albert II became the first monkey in space,reaching 134 km (83 miles)-past the Karman line of 100 km (taken to designate the beginning of space).MAny Astro Chimps followed, but none so legendary as Ham.

Ham is my all time favourite astro chimp and was the first to be successfully launched into OUTER space...After only 16 minutes into the flight, Ham's capsule suffered a partial loss of pressure. Fortunately, Ham's space suit prevented him from suffering any harm, although it couldn't prevent the capsule from experiencing further problems...eventually falling into the Atlantic Ocean.
Ham survived. He suffered only a bruised nose.



Following his successful space mission, Ham became a worldwide celebrity and made repeated television appearances. He later also made his film debut with Evil Knievell.

On January 19, 1983, at the age of 26, Ham passed away in North Carolina Zoo.

Ham had a backup, Minnie. She was the only female chimp trained for the Mercury program.
After her role in the Mercury program ended, Minnie became part of an Air Force chimpanzee breeding program, producing nine offspring and helping to raise the offspring of several other members of the chimpanzee colony. She was the last surviving astro-chimp.






A few Monkey facts:

• Monkeys don't get colds


• A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana


• There are 125 species of monkey


• Spider monkeys pollinate certain plant species. When drinking a plant's nectar, they pick up pollen on their face and carry it to another plant, which is then fertilised.


• The spider monkey will break off heavy branches and drop them from trees to scare off intruders

Proof that chimps are highly intelligent: http://www.kewego.co.uk/video/iLyROoaftCda.html

More facts

• Monkeys have tails, apes do not


• Chimpanzees, gorillas, and orangutans all catch colds, but monkeys do not.


• When monkeys yawn, it's not only because they are tired, it's also because they are mad.


• Monkeys peel their bananas, they don't eat the skin.


• All monkeys like to be clean so they have a barber monkey who cleans out their fur. The barber monkey's reward is the bugs from the other monkey's fur.


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Me, myself and Crumpets.....simply the best!

My obsession with crumpets....where and how do I start?

It's just gone 2 am and I am absolutely gutted.

Why?

Because, after an entire week of going cold turkey, tonight I succumbed to the overpowering voice of temptation inside my head, or 'Crumpet Clive' as I like to call it....and off I headed to the kitchen for some toasted, buttered and spongy delights! The crumpet junky was back...and she meant business.

A few moments later I found myself devastated...

Having reached into the drawer to take out the crumpets..I was horrified to discover that after a week of needless abandonment and neglect.... they were now mouldy....

There goes the midnight feast, I thought to myself......or maybe not. My only consolation was that there were still some croissants in the cupboard and some cheese in the fridge, and so I set about putting together an alternative snack ...which is where the croissants come in...



Twenty minutes, three croissants, a good dose of cheese and some mint kit kats later, I feel my appetite is still not satiated....for alas, there is none that can rival the mighty crumpet...

The cheese helped settle me somewhat, but it's no substitute for the big C. It was a West country, mature cheddar; rich and full bodied.....much like Tina Turner. I contemplated tucking into some brie...only to discover that I had already eaten it the previous night. My will to live fell to a new, all time low....Until, that is, I discovered that there was still some Camembert left...thank God I hadn't seen that the night before

As a recommendation, give the new mint kit kats a try....they have an echo of Burton's Viscount mint biscuits that impressed me. I'm not, however, wholly convinced that I could eat a whole 22 of them in under three days, as I recently did with the original ones (two finger Kit Kats of course).

On reflection, perhaps it was for the best that the Crumpets were mouldy....Afterall, my crumpet detox was going so well.... though admittedly life hasn't been as much fun without them...but isn't that true of most addictions....?


On a final note, I am contemplating doing a sponsored Charity cheese feast in the months to come.....where people will pay me to eat as much cheese as possible. Yes, that's right...I will get paid to eat cheese for 24 hours non-stop.....I'll keep you updated on dates, venue, how to make donations etc...

This is how much cheese I reckon I could get through if I were to do a sponsored cheese feast:




And .......this is what I might look like afterwards, but with darker hair:


Also, any recommendations of cheese that you think I might like would be appreciated.

My recent favourite is Tintern cheese. It's Welsh, Creamy and is made with fresh chives and Shallots. Another one to try is also Welsh, the Black Bomber: an EXTRA mature cheddar, smooth and with a softer texture.

Well, it's time for Bedfordshire now .....eating cheese really takes it out of me...

As for the crumpets...there'll be other times..

Tina Turner, or Bunsen Burner as I like to call her.
Rich and full bodied:




Crumpets: Simply the best

Offensive Footwear........

Perhaps the worst offender spotted this month are the velcro-strap acrylic loafers....
Promoted with the daring statement....'So comfortable, you'll want to stay in them for 24 hours'..... I feel the advertising slogan should more accurately have been 'So foul you'd rather cut your feet off than be seen wearing these!'



A close second on the offender richter scale are the 'snow boots'...Anyone wearing these deserves to be buried in an avalanche.
As my mother would say (In Irish accent)..'cheap AND nasty!'


And in third position, are the Jesus sandals......admittedly more offensive when worn with socks. These are one of the worst pairs I have seen. No blessing from me I'm afraid..



Described only as 'Vacuum shoes'....



Impractical and unsightly ...

Geoff Mystery Unravelled....

He goes by the name of Billy Fane, but we'll always remember him as good old Geoff with the ridiculously bushy tash from doon the Groove!

As you might know from my blog, I have been eager to find out what happened to the illustrious, 'destined for the bright lights of Hollywood' career of Geoff. Blown up and killed in a gas explosion back in the 90s TV Series Byker Grove, Geoff and his tash were hotly tipped for the big roles, that could launch them into millenium fame...


So what happened after Byker Grove?

With the help of a friend, I have unravelled the 'Geoff Mystery'. I can confirm that since Byker Grove, there has been no 'endless pipeline' of high profile film roles, no flood of job offers for tv, not even an invite to do a club opening up in the North East. Rather, the highlights of Geoff's career have been playing Mr Braithwaite in Billy Elliot (pretty decent!), a Bingo Caller in Purely Belter (embarrassing), followed by several tramp roles in Sweet Sixteen and Heartbeat (absolutely pathetic!). As if that asn't bad enough, the last known role for Geoff was that of a car scrap man in 'Cloud Cuckoo Land'....

Was Geoff in Cloud Cuckoo Land thinking that he could ever move on from the Grove? Was the Tash just 'carrying him', concealing his lack of tashless talent?

You might not be surprised to hear that, shortly after his departure, Geoff shaved off the original tash that feauturd in Byker Grove...and it all seems to have gone downhill from then onwards...

Recent Hollywood celeb reports claim that Geoff's tash is a massive success out in L.A. In fact he's just been offered the lead role in a Spielberg film, about a Scientist who creates an evil, out of control Tash, intent on destroying the human race, starting with some bloke called Geoff.

Unfortunately, the relationship between Geoff and the Tash broke down shortly after Geoff decided to go his own way. The Tash, who goes by the name of 'Terry', or 'Tezza', as his showbiz pals call him, refuses to forgive Geoff after being abandoned and almost washed away in the bathroom sink. Thankfully for Tezza, he survived. Now living in constant fear of another attack on his life, Tezza has taken an injunction out against Geoff.

An example of fashion that gets right on my t**s!!

Is it just me, or does anyone else think these new 'shutter shades' epitomise all that is wrong about the influence celebs have upon today's fashion and our perceptions of what is cool.



Created in Los Angeles by Todd Wilkerson while working in marketing at a large record label...the first time he wore them he couldn't believe how much attention they received. "People were literally grabbing them off my face!".....yes Todd, because you looked like a tit in them!

Since then, celebs such as Kayne West, Lil John,Paris Hilton and undoubtedly other titesque celebs, have been seen wearing these shades at top VIP haunts. It seems that people automatically assume that these are the latest craze that is going to put the 'cool' back into Shades this summer.

So, in view of the subjective nature of fashion, what is the definition of cool when using eyewear to make a statement?

For what it's worth, here's my definition of what is, and isn't 'cool':

'Cool' is wearing shades that actually have a tinted lens to shield you from the sun's burning rays....

'Cool' is this pair of 'eliminator wrap-arounds'......that 'eliminate 100% of the suns harmful UVA and UVB rays', are stylishly unique, and 'virtually unbreakable.'

Not to be mocked, these are a steal at just £6.99...and are designed to be worn over your usual corrective specs....practical logic at every turn!




'Uncool'..is wearing 'fake', 'no lens whatsoever' shades that look crap, don't allow you to see where you are going....and will probably get you run down by a car because you were too busy trying to be 'cool'.

I'm also less than impressed to discover that Todd is promoting the shades by reference to their 80's inspired feel....'fused with a futuristic touch' .....what utter piffle...!

This is what could happen to 'uncool' people who wear Shutter shades, and who can't see cars coming because they are blinded by the sun's blaze:



Stay safe....maintain your individuality ...Go with the ELIMINATORS!!!
They are the real 80s inspired shades.....

'Wacky' inventions that are actually patented

TOKYO - Kawakami Kenji's weird inventions have brought him notoriety in his native Japan, and in Europe, where some call him a surrealist genius and even a neo-Dadaist. But there is method in his madness.

Stylish and practical...........who wouldn't want a pair of these dustpan n brush slip ons?.,.....

Chopstick-fan noodle cooler anyone?




Cat got your tongue? No, but it's got some duster slippers to help clean up all the mess the little f***er makes in your house



Pritt stick butter .......when you're just too thick to use a knife:




She should invest in a bed and try renting a room instead of sleeping on the subway every night:




Slightly more hi-tech for those tube journey power naps:




Because you're cool enough to own a BMW.......you're cool enough to dry your pants on it too..




Was the baby bottle really THAT bad?




yeah, we'll have that cigarette lit in just a few hours......





The bullet proof bed.....sleep easy.....a steal at only $160,000. Bullet proof? Wow......He must be a REAL machine...



The Kling Tut gloves with VELCRO PALMS invention.......yes, that's right.... gloves that attach your hands to a VELCRO VEST .. ...

Described as 'simple yet elegant'.............

The aim: to stop arms invading other people's space on planes and trains...and to avoid arms falling into aisles and being hit by food carts or other passengers...mmm,velcro. always a winner!

Ok, I do like this one.....thumbs up for the SUMO TUBE...

Amazing, yet unfortunately, 'a little too ridiculous' inventions

My personal favourite. Yes, it's the 360 degree camera...that comes with complimentary harmonica
















at what point did the inventor not consider this to be absolutely ridiculous?



The Hair blocker. Designed to prevent females/hippies/80s rockers from getting hair in their noodles.....looks more like a crinkled toilet seat cover stuck to your face.....would it work for a mullet though?













RIP OFF! I could have come up with this idea...it's just a massive penknife, but for gardening...fairly crap, which is why I suspect it never succeeded







Fortunately this is relatively D.I.Y possible and doesn't cost much to make, so you can still get the look.
Just rip your toilet roll holder from your bathroom wall and place on head. Next, find some strap like object, attach this to the toilet roll holder and hey presto, you look like a total twat!





Keep in mind that a 1/3 of the world are expected to experience water shortages by 2025....be smart..don't be a victim..carry the 'rainwater collector' umbrella....not on sale anytime soon!








I checked this out..and it's for real! This is a fire alarm that was designed in 1938 with the purpose of deterring pranksters setting off the alarm and wasting the fire brigade's time.

How does it work? It works by trapping your arm into the box so that you are unable to escape until the police or fire brigade let you out....

And when there's a real fire...










Super power water gun: Another failed British invention was a huge water gun with a water tank that strapped on to the user.
The idea? that it could be used to stop criminals in their tracks. However, due to the amount pressurised of water that was emitted from the gun it also, unfortunately, tended to knock the gun user to the ground, too.